Note to Self
April 8, 2011 § Leave a comment
Dear future me,
Please remember that you were once miserable with sadness. Please remember how hard you fought the numbness you had developed to feel joy, ecstasy, sympathy and even sadness again. Please know that whatever you’re feeling right now, at this very moment pain, disappointment, happiness, whatever, you’re only able to deeply feel because you forced yourself to feel again. Please know how hard you worked for this and how much you were scared of it. Cherish whatever you’re feeling, even if it hurts. Hold on to it. Let it be part of you.
Know that it took a long time to admit to yourself that you were once lonely. I hope that you’ve fallen in love. I hope that you’ve said it openly. Know that it took effort, risk, strength, to say those words. Cherish them.
Future self, its ok to not work so hard. Its ok to lay in bed an extra 15 minutes next to the one you love. He’ll appreciate it and, honestly, so will you. Let him spend all day watching baseball on tv if he wants to…occasionally. Go get yourself a pedicure and shut up. Or take a nap (if you’ve mastered napping yet. We’re currently working on that). You’ll both be happy.
Let yourself dream. Let yourself make plans, however minor. Follow through. Let yourself sit in the quiet. Also, its ok to have that piece of cake. Maybe two. Sorry, no…you can’t have three. End of discussion.
Future me, its ok to cry sometimes. I promise. No, no one has to see you. But hope you’ve let someone see it by now. Be open. Trust. I know you’ve been burned. I know you once easily trusted and you were hurt. Repeatedly. Trust anyway. Be open anyway.
Love with your whole heart. You’re happier when you do.
Dear Present Self,
Thank you for sitting with your feelings, no matter how painful, and letting them wash over you. Thank you for forcing yourself to feel every emotion, deeply and thoroughly. Thank you for forcing yourself to keep trying even though you fail often.
You’re a lover. Thank you for continuing to love, risk your heart, even though you aren’t sure how much your heart can handle. Thank you for getting out of bed on the days you don’t feel like it. Thank you for traveling. Thank you for desperately seeking joy.
Thank you for discovering that joy can be found in the everyday.
Thank you for writing this. Thank you for the reminders. Thank you for forming me. I like who I am.