“I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.”
November 22, 2010 § 1 Comment
Who have I become? What am I? This is somewhat of an embarrassing post, but I’m nothing if not forthright and honest. I don’t want to be fake and people might learn from my experiences if I only have the guts to share them.
I’ve always desired to center my life on God. Never in an obnoxious, “I like to rub it in your face and slam it down your throat” kind of way, but in a way that simply radiates from within me. My faith has always been an the key of who I am. But, lately, I feel like I’ve pushed God to the sidelines. I talk to him, I pray, I love deeply, but I’m not the person I want to be. Far from it.
I know I’ve said it before, but I feel like I went through a bit of a “crazy” period after Cody died. I didn’t question everything I ever believed, but I didn’t feel like immersing myself in it, for whatever reason. The night Cody died, I made Father David put my Chaplet of Divine Mercy CD in so we could pray on the way home. We prayed the rosary together. I asked that my suffering be offered up to get Cody out of Purgatory and into Heaven. As soon as I asked that, I asked that God let it hurt. If I was going to suffer for Cody, I wanted to take all I could get. I didn’t want Cody to have any of it. I begged for the pain. I prayed constantly, even though I was angry with God. I went sat in Adoration. And then, I just faded.
I began searching for affirmation in the wrong places. I was so desperately scared that no one would ever be interested again that sought love in the wrong places. And I convinced myself that I was genuinely looking for someone special. In reality, I think I was just looking for a false love. It is only by the grace of the Holy Spirit that I retained any purity. If I hadn’t had the relationship with Christ that I had before Cody died, I don’t know what I would have done. But, every time I was in a position that could have become compromising, God gave me strength, whispered to my soul, and reminded me of who I wanted to be, even if I didn’t want to listen and later shoved him aside again. I went to confession, began praying, picked myself up and tried again. I hate admitting this. I don’t want to be the girl I’ve been. I know there are being reading this thinking that I’m crazy, that my bad isn’t nearly as bad as the rest of the world’s bad, but I don’t want to be relative to the rest of the world. I want to be fully the person God called me to be. No less.
Lately, I’ve been looking back as some of my “crazy” moments. There are a few that I’m ashamed of. There could have been so many more and I’m so thankful that the God I know is forgiving. He encourages me to try again and not give in and give up. The other day, I was having a little chat with God while I was running and all of the sudden I got the sense that God wanted to court me, to pursue me, to love me, to be my person. My best friend, my lover. All of it.