April 21, 2010 § 1 Comment
I realized something today. This was my last big first without Cody.
When we start a relationship, or anything new for that matter, we measure it by firsts. First date. First phone call. First kiss. First “I love yous.” First vacation. Cody and I were preparing for all new firsts as a married couple. First apartment. First dinner at our home. First married couple date night. First joint bank account. First holidays. First children (which would bring up all new firsts). But, life didn’t turn out that way. I’ve accepted that much. My firsts for the past few months ended up being completely different. First major life trauma without Cody. First time I went to visit Cody’s family without him. First birthday without him. First anniversary without him. First holidays without him. First Valentine’s without him. First quarter back at school without him. First set of finals without him. First celebration of his birthday without him. Those were my firsts. There were plenty more. But, I’ve realized that, for awhile, my life has been measured by the firsts of an unexpected beginning; the beginning of my life without Cody.
I won’t call it an ending. In fact, I’ll never refer to Cody as an “ex”. He never will be (I still don’t know how to refer to him in conversation, but I guess I’m open to suggestion!). Instead, this is a beginning. It is beginning to build a different life than I expected, with Cody playing a significantly different role. He will always be on my team. He will always support me. But, rather than walking along with me, he transcends time and space and is with me in completely different sense, and probably able to help even more than he could before (well, at least he has more time to pray for me!).
There are immunerable other firsts for my life. But, no more “big days.” You know, the days we mark on the calender, count down to and wait for anxiously. We plan for them, buy gifts for them, celebrate them and mourn them. The only real big day left is the one year anniversary of the day Cody left this life. For now, I’ve gotten through most of the “big days.” (Yes, finals are still coming. I haven’t completed them yet, so I might be counting my chickens a little early, but bear with me people…I’m being hopeful here!)
I can’t tell you I’m proud of myself for making it this far, for making it through most of the firsts of my new life. Its not really something that I feel like there should be pride in. I’ve dealt as best I could. And dealing isn’t really something I know how to judge or measure. Frankly, it’s only been through the incredible support and prayers of my family and friends that I’ve come this far. Thinking back, I would always be there person who would have said “If anything ever happened to Cody, I don’t know if I could ever ____ (fill in the blank with anything: go back to school, be alone, anything). But, guess what….I did. Not because of some super-human strength, defiance, or ability, but because it’s what we do. Life goes on. We roll with the punches. At some point, we get sick and tired of the sadness and we try to make the most of it. That being said, I couldn’t have without all of the support.
There was an incredible sadness to the end of most the major firsts of my new life. Like I was mourning the old one all over again; mourning the one I didn’t want to have; mourning what feels like the end of the beginning. But, amazing things happened. With the sorrow comes unspeakable joy. My mom came to visit. My dad wrote me a beautiful email. People I hadn’t spoken to in awhile reminded me that they were praying for me (which reminded me to pray for them…its a give and take. That will be another blog post soon). My law school friends joined me for dinner and we genuinely enjoyed eachother. We hugged and bonded and grew together. My friend sent beautiful flowers. I feel the peace and love of the people in my life who have never faltered and loved unconditionally.
I pray that I may be as loving and supportive of them. I want to pass on their love, spread it around. I don’t think its in the sorrow that we truly unite, but in the mutual healing. The universal human soul is strengthened when we love eachother deeply. The world is more beautiful because we have chosen to make it so. I am so thankful for the beautiful, loving people in my life who have participated fully in the pain and chosen to heal with me. They have helped me through the firsts and proven that this new life will be full of joy, hope, and most of all, love.