I am a Product of Amazing People
April 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
I can’t even begin to tell you how important my parents are to me. I can only hope that everyone is blessed with parents as amazing as mine. As earthly examples of God’s love for me, they are perfect. They push me to be better than I think I can be and never settle, they support me when I don’t think I can do it on my own, they listen when I need to talk, they hug when words aren’t enough, and they would do absolutely anything for me. I’m so blessed to never have to question their love and devotion to me. And I hope that they never have to question how much I love and appreciate them.
Finals are always a hard time of year for me. I tend to stress out to ridiculous levels…it really isn’t very attractive. But, bless Cody’s little heart, he put up with all the crying, all of the pressure I put on myself, heard about all my my pre-finals sleepless nights (trust me, its hard to sleep when you’re analyzing the estate system in your dreams…worse when crimlaw mixes in and your ridiculous mind finds a way to determine that someone forgoes their springing future executory interest held in fee simple absolute because they raped someone. It makes no sense. That’s why its a dream), and all of obsession with making sure I had enough caffine and lean cuisines to survives a nuclear disaster. He sent me cards, care packages, and even flowers. He waited patiently to give hugs or to take me to lunch during a study break (if he happened to be in town). He drove me to meet my dad for father’s day so that I could study in the car, drove me to weddings so that I could study in the car, gave me a back massage when I neeeded it, and called me every night to pray together because he alone was not strong enough to deal with my craziness. He knew if I’d had a stressful day just by the tone of my voice or the look on my face. I distinctly remember himm coming over to my house after work one day that I had spent just studying for my LSAT. He walked in, took one look at me and said “No excuses. Change clothes and get in the car. You need a glass of wine and a study break.” For all of those reasons, attacking finals on my own seems impossible to me. He was there for every college final, my LSAT, and all of my law school finals….until now.
Enter my amazing parents. While they have been an incredible support system throughout school, they weren’t my go-to people the way Cody was. And I think that is completely understandable. They supported me whole-heartedly, called to check-in daily, prayed for me, and had more faith in my than I could ever imagine. But, it wasn’t until now that I needed them to be my whole support system. While I was home, right after Cody died, I leaned on them, but slightly pushed them away. I wasn’t trying to be rude or unappreciative, but more than anything I didn’t want them to worry. It hurt me that they hurt for me, which is a vicious circle since I hurt enough for everyone, plus I hurt that they hurt, my brother and sister hurt, Cody’s family hurt, Cody’s friends hurt. I wanted to take all of their pain away and bear it as well as my own. So, I wanted to prove to my parents that I would be fine; give them one less worry and one less pain. It was easy when they were close by. I could have a hug if I needed it. I lived amidst my best friends for awhile. Knowing they were there, if needed, was enough. Coming back to school, tearing myself away from them, has been hard simply because they are no longer there if I need it. Maybe I should have taken more advantage of all of those hugs….
Today was an incredibly rough day. Tomorrow is Cody’s birthday and while he’ll be having the best one ever, I won’t get to spend it with him. I know we’d be going to Carino’s, he’d be having a Bud Light and chicken parmasean even though he would have looked at the menu intently, trying to convince himself to order something new, but going for his usual nonetheless. He’d be mad that I was taking all the crust off of the bread. I’d have made him a strawberry cheesecake for dessert, but he’d have eaten all of his chicken parmesean (despite setting his fork down, rubbing his belly, and making a dirty joke about a baby elephant at least 3 times during dinner, and then continuing to eat every last bite) and he wouldn’t be hungry for the cheesecake, so I’d have a peice for myself. I’d be ridiculously stressed about finals, so I’d go study while he turned on Sportscenter, despite having watched at least 2 hours of it already that day because the “bottom-line changes.” So, on top of finals stress, I’m missing Cody in a very particular way.
I called my mom this morning and just couldn’t hold back tears. I’m usually quite good at holding them back and if I had the time, I’d read a book about the Holocaust because you simply can’t feel like you have it bad when you’re reading a book about the Holocaust. But today, I couldn’t do it (sorry this isn’t my most “joyful” post!). Anyway, I was trying to power through, work out, not let myself crawl in a ball, look at pictures and read letters when my mom called. She said “I’ll be there in a little while and I’m staying until Wednesday.” Praise God. I love that woman. My day was immediately better. I know she’s going to give me an amazing hug, and just ease my mind for a few days. She’ll make me feel taken care of and understood the way only my mother can do for me right now.
She mentioned to my Dad that I was having a bad day, and being the man of infinite wisdom, depth and understanding that he is, he sent me a beautiful email reassuring me that Cody would be praying for me and that the things that Cody admired about me so much, namely my strength and confidence, were going to power me through the next couple of weeks. He promised me that when I find peace in God, happiness will find me. He told me to “be still and know” that God is taking care of me. I will always have Cody’s unending love and support, although it just isn’t in the way I’d always wanted it. How amazing!?! My dad has a way of bringing me back to my faith, helping me become become grounded and loved.
What are parents for? Well, for me, I feel like they are part of God’s example of true, unfaltering, unconditional love. Not in the way that lets us get away with anything, but in a way that keeps us accountable, forms us into the best versions of ourselves and picks us up no matter how hard or often we fall. I am truly blessed.