March 2, 2010 § 3 Comments
March 1. Today Cody and I would have been celebrating 6 years together. Oddly, as I was thinking back on the day we had “the talk” (ya know, the DTR), I realized that it was Monday night at the stock show sale. Cody had had a bad day because his grandmother had passed away that day and all I could do was be there for him. Well, that and his best friend got him a little drunk! But, we’d spent alot of time together that day, locked ourselves in my truck for awhile that night (no, not for anything scandalous…we could talk all night long at that point!), and we really decided that we didn’t want to be apart from eachother; even though I was moving off to school in College Station, we were determined to make it work. Crazy as it sounds, my freshman year of college, I already knew I wanted to be with him. I can’t lie and say we never had our rough patches, but who doesn’t!? We actually worked pretty easily for the most part. In fact, looking back, I laugh because our break ups were simply because I knew I wanted to marry him, I just didn’t want to feel married quite yet. Those always lasted all of about 2 days before we knew it was pointless; we’d just rather be with eachother than anyone else. Anyway, what I found interesting about today, is that tonight, not only is it March 1, but it is also Monday night and the stock show sale….just like it was back then. It kinda makes me laugh.
Needless to say, it wasn’t the best day for me. One of those days where I just want to turn on James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” and let myself cry (if you’ve never heard it, you need to). And I did a little. While I am generally just flat out determined to be happy, I think when you grieve, sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself; for me, that means that every once in awhile, I need to let myself break down. It is ok at times. While I refuse to do it in public, or generally even let people know when I’m having a bad day just to avoid the looks of pity that make me feel like a leper when I’m out in public, sometimes I just need to give myself a little break, hide in my room, shed a few tears, and write Cody a letter. Crying might not fix anything, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Its weird to go through the day and, in some ways, want everyone to know, but instead choose just to act like nothing is wrong. I’m not entirely sure why I grieve that way, I’m still figuring it out, but mostly I think its about my desire to find my new normal and stop the leper looks. Its really just all I know how to do.
I got through the day. I made it. And while I missed Cody, it was litigimate missing him and not self-pity. I made it through our first anniversary without him. For that, I’m happy. Maybe next year it will be easier. Tonight, I’ll write a little and pray alot.
Sorry if this was a little bit of a downer post. But, I made it. Day-by-day, I’m finding my new normal and today was no different. I made it and I’ll continue to find hope for my future. I will not give up. I will choose joy. I will trust in God.
“You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to Joy.” John 16:22